i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
