Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Randomize
