worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
