I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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