The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
