they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
