totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
