I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
