She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
