Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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