Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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