I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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