Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
