It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
