You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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