you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
