I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
