Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
