New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
