He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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