my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
