So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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