Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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