dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
