Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize