I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
do herpes really smell.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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