you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Boobs are out for the taking
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
