o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
