Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
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