he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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