you didnt know i had herpes?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
