I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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