i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
