im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
