Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
