Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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