I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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