I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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