I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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