life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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