i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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