I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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