I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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