i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
People in love make me want to vomit
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
