The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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