Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
