I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Still dying that you shit outside
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
