Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Of course I have a pirate flag
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
