Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I want her autograph on my taint
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
