Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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