Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
