Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
