Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
