I faked an abortion last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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