So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
